- Lisa Malot Gare and her eight siblings were raised by a mom who did everything around the home.
- The 51-year-old said it made them lazy, over-reliant on their mother, and less independent.
- Gare was determined that her two sons pulled their weight and did household chores early on.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Lisa Malot Gare. It has been edited for length and clarity.
I grew up in a large family with six brothers and two sisters. My mom shouldered the housework, and she spoon-fed us all.
We live in Papua New Guinea, where it's almost taboo for boys to do chores, especially in the villages outside the cities. It isn't fair at all. But, in our case, Mom felt the same way about my sisters and me in terms of not helping out.
I now realize it must have been extra hard for her because, like my dad, she worked outside the home as a teacher.
It made us ultra-dependent on her and lazy. She'd constantly pick up clothes from the floor, clean the kitchen, and handle the trash.
The habit is reflected in the way my brothers run their households. They're married with their own children, but they tend to sit back and let their wives do these things. They were brought up to think they are a woman's responsibility.
But it's very different in my home. My two boys, Cyril Junior, 29, and 13-year-old Elmond, pull their weight because I insist.
They've learned to do things for themselves. They wash their plates after they've eaten. If they open a container, they know to close it afterward and put it back where it belongs.
I've taught my son how to sew
If their clothes get dirty — especially after they play sports that create a lot of dirt, such as rugby and soccer— they take them off and clean them immediately.
They also do a big load of laundry every weekend. There are no dropped socks on the floor. Every night, before they go to bed, their rooms are clean and tidy.
One of their chores is sweeping the house, inside and out. I'm a very meticulous person and will inspect the place afterward.
I've also taught them how to sew — which is unusual for boys in our country. My older son will look for a needle and thread and stitch his own pants when they tear.
Meanwhile, I won't let them sit down at the table and eat until everything is clean. Their friends comment on it all the time. I'm just as strict with visitors — they know the same thing applies to them when they come around.
I'm an orderly person. I just want things to be neat. I work as a freelance journalist and never leave paper or pens on my desk when I finish the day.
I want my kids to practice independence
Of course, the kids will often complain about how strict I am. Cyril Junior is the worst. But, after putting up a bit of a fight, he and Elmond will just get on with it.
It's important that they learn independence. If they get married, I don't want them to rely on their wives to do everything for them. It's not good for any relationship when one person is responsible for day-to-day chores around the home.
People might think I'm stricter than most parents, especially in Papua New Guinea. But I'm thinking about the big picture: the future. Our children are the products of what we teach them.
My kids are learning to stand on their own two feet in this world.
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